What I Voluntarily Got Myself In To

    Today, April 9, 2015, I am nineteen years old, twenty weeks pregnant, and almost nine months into marriage. Writing it down like that makes the whole situation feel kind of weird. There are days I remember that if I wasn't doing the whole "family thing", I'd be nearing the end of my second year in college and probably tens of thousands of dollars in debt already. It's the whole money thing that usually reminds me that my choice wasn't necessarily the bad one. Seeing all of my high school friends either studying their butts off or trying to take care of a baby with a boyfriend makes me feel like I fall somewhere in the middle. I chose not to go to school, but I also chose to say 'yes' to my best friend, and I suppose inadvertently said yes to babies as well (though I wasn't expecting one quite so soon - but we're happy nonetheless!).
    In the short amount of time that I've been a wife and now a mother, I don't honestly feel like much has changed. I still feel like the insecure teenager I was growing up, I'm just better at hiding it now behind a mature countenance and an outgoing husband. I still complain about having to do housework. I mean, dishes?? I'm thinking about giving up my Corelleware for disposable dinnerware... not really, but it's tempting. I still sleep in pajamas covered with my favorite characters (you think sexy sleepwear becomes a thing after you get married? Trust me, Hello Kitty trumps lace nightie any day). And Tad sometimes has to close the curtains for me because I'm too scared to go up to them and pull them shut. I can be a baby, yes.

    My "immaturities" are sometimes all I can see. Every little thing from the way I dress to the way I talk with people can seem to be huge faults that make everyone else see nothing but a little girl playing 'house'. I struggle constantly with feeling inadequate because of numerous things I can think of throughout my day. But it's in those times that I've learned to look back on where I was a few months ago, a year ago, and see how God has subtly, yet greatly matured me in such a short amount of time.
    I can see how much of my selfishness is being revealed and put to death. Sometimes it feels like it's just being revealed, and I wanna shout out "Thanks God, I'm a rotten person, I get it - wanna help me do something about it now??" But knowing how I treated my marriage during the first few months, and now how I view it and act on it as a selfless and giving part of my life makes it feel so much greater and purposeful now than at the beginning. It makes me wonder how much greater this marriage will seem in a few decades.
    I've learned to accept the "everyday love" I feel for my husband and not expect those honeymoon butterflies to hold my marriage together. That is something Tad and I were warned about months before we said 'I do', and yet, I still thought something was wrong because I didn't feel so fluttery around him like I did at the beginning of our friendship. Our love feels a bit more ordinary now - I'm not being swept off my feet every moment we're together. Sometimes, I feel like I'm just chilling out with my best friend, goofing around and eating pizza and wings. I'm not required to feel lovey dovey around him just because we're married and I need to love him. Feelings are not the foundation of true love, and a lot of the time, they aren't even one of the products of it. It's that undying commitment to the good of your spouse, promising to pray for them and never leave their side, no matter how dark of a time it is. Sometimes it hurts to love someone like that, but the joy God blesses you with as you reflect His love for you is extraordinary, even in the ordinary moments.
    Fighting isn't the end of our relationship. I can't say I ever really thought it was, but especially when we were dating, there were times I thought Tad was gonna dump me because I was just so impossible. Poor guy - I never did give him the benefit of the doubt, and he STILL asked me to marry him. What a man! In our disagreements, big and small, we've slowly started to develop a system in resolving the conflict. We don't always use that system, but on the good days it's put to use. I may get frustrated, hurt, embarrassed, flustered, or just plain confused, but I know in either a minute or a few hours, we'll come together, hug it out, talk it out if need be, and fall asleep in each other's arms, because we're a team, and even in our arguments, we're on the same side.
    The foundation your relationship stands on will be revealed eventually. I pray it's a solid one, full of Christ and love. If it isn't, you can always lay down a new foundation and start building up your marriage again. It's a lifetime project that will always have renovations happening, maybe even with some new additions put on (someone's jabbing my bladder in agreement). Just don't give up on it and never stop praying for it.

Y.A.N.A.

   Have you ever experienced inexplicable heartache? That deep sadness that floods your whole body like a tsunami and decides to make home in your soul?
   I'm feeling it today.
   I don't really know why. Life hasn't been bad. I've been spending some time with family. I've formed a new friendship. The kitchen is getting redone (woohoo!).
   And yet...
   It's still there.
   To be honest, I feel better now. Some Nintendoland with Liv and a nice warm bath with some Dekker calmed me down. But what I was feeling... still am feeling...
   It hurts.
   Is it pathetic to hurt for no reason? It makes me feel like I'm falling into the stereotypical category of "emotional teenage girl." I hate that.
   Maybe there is a reason.
   A conversation I had with a friend seemed to pierce my heart. I'm reminded of how desperately I want to pour out the stories of my soul to another person. Every struggle, pain, scar contained in my heart - I want it out. But I can't let it out.
   I'm struggling. I'm standing on the edge of the cliff, overlooking what lies beneath. The vertigo is beginning to kick in, and if I look much longer...
   I'll fall.
   Is it necessary to have someone to tell all to? Does everyone have a kindred spirit?
   I found a quote from C.S. Lewis today that I think most everyone can relate to:

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, "What? You too? I thought I was the only one."

   And from there you start discovering all sorts of mutualities. Hobbies, interests, opinions, the list goes on. What's even better are those few and many differences that put a spice into the relationship all the commonalities could not produce.

   I'm not sure where this is going. I just realized I wandered off my original course, and now I'm not sure what my destination is. Then again, I never know where these posts will end up.

   I suppose I just needed to write my feelings down. I'm sure you know how that goes. And if I put them in public form, they don't become so self-pitying as what the writings in my journal are. That is a struggle: self-pity. Stay far from that path, my friends. It ends in more destruction than you could possibly imagine.

   As any rate, since I can't mind any good ending for this post (when can I ever?), I'll leave you with some quotes from Lewis. Adieu.

"We read to know that we are not alone."

"In your life, you meet people. Some you never think about again. Some, you wonder what happened to them. There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do."

"To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you."

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, no even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

"If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world."

"I believe in Christ like I believe in the sun - not because I can see it, but by it I can see everything else."

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind."

Fellowship

   

   Tonight at CLEAR, we went over part 4 of Francis Chan's Basic series. I'll admit, I haven't been getting much out of this series as of late. This is due to multiple things, mostly personal, so I can't say anything against this series. But this lesson finally hit something I could relate to.
   At times, it can seem overwhelming, even impossible, to think of completely giving your life over to God. Having Him in complete control is hard. It's not because you don't want Him there. The whole idea can be a huge weight on your life. Constantly evaluating your life to make sure God is controlling every part. But that's why He gave us the Holy Spirit. If you access it, it gives you strength and is constantly working in your life to make you more like God. This journey, however, isn't meant to be traveled alone. Our mission as Jesus states in Matthew is to "go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you." But we're meant to accomplish this with the church. Not the building you meet in every Sunday, but the body of Christ. All believers. And this is where fellowship comes in.
   To me, fellowship used to mean the thing we did as a church during picnics and fun activities. Talking with my Christian friends. That pretty much summed it up. Not really any different from what I do with my non-Christian friends. But Francis defined fellowship as something deeper. As the church, we should share everything with each other, bearing each other's burdens. Our fellowship as a church is being a family. Caring for one another. It was said that fellowship and transparency go hand in hand. That's a little scary, but it's the true unity we should have in the church. We need to have each other's backs.
   Besides it being necessary for our personal walk with Christ, why should the church be such a display of family? You can't tell forgiveness. You can only show it. And when others witness the love believers have for each, and the forgiveness we give to our family when they wrong us, they will see Christ's love. Our unity makes the message believable.
   To accomplish God's mission, we need others with us. We need to show Jesus to the world by the way we interact with each other. We weren't meant to live in isolation. The church was meant to be a greater unity, a deeper love, a family.

I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one— I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.

John 17:20-23

Make someone proud

Article of the day

   So that article above? Shoes. Finding an adorable pair of shoes that you think are just what you want. They're not in your size, but you decide to squeeze a half size smaller. Wearing them to school the next day results in blisters and the threat of toe amputation. Of course once you take them off you feel free again! But there's nothing you can do to make the shoes fit. They won't grow to fit you, and they cost you money and the ability to walk for the next week.

   Thankfully, I have a rule that states I shall never buy shoes if they cut off the circulation to my toes (this of course didn't keep me from buying Chucks in a 7 1/2 just because the 8's made me look like I had clown feet). Sometimes what looks cute just doesn't fit. And it won't change to fit you. Of course if you looked around long enough you'd probably find your dream shoes that are cute and fit you perfectly! And this is where the main point comes in - guys are kinda like shoes. You shouldn't settle for one just because he's cute. If you do, you'll obviously end up with blistered feet! God made you unique and He also has the perfect somebody picked out for you! And if you wait, that dream guy will not only be perfect for you, but he'll seem more attractive because of it!

   Ya know, if you were to make a list describing Mr. Dreamy, you may know when you're settling for less. But once you have that list, you can't just change the list here and there later on to fit a guy. Either the guy fits the list, or he's out of here! A list for the guy God wants you have is what you're aiming for. Those qualities that will make him husband material. Unfortunately, Satan, the world, likes to tell us we're unworthy of such a perfect guy, or imagining that he even exists. Well, you are not unworthy - God wants the best for you! And He has the best for you, if you'll just be patient and wait.

   And you know what? You're life doesn't have to revolve around dating! The world may say so, but it's not true! Now if the perfect time to not worry about it! The article gives 5 things you can focus on now instead of guys. I'll list them:

     1. Discover who you are.

     2. Workout your spiritual muscles.

     3. Become a good student.

     4. Strengthen your friendships.

     5. Go on a missions trip. (Never The Same)

   And as you're waiting for Mr. Right, don't compromise on other guys. Trust God. Only He can write your perfect love story. It's okay to not be dating! Wait for God's timing.

Cheers♥

1, 2, 3

Family Love

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   Family. We all got one (or several). Some are big. Some are small. They're all weird. A few have some normal specks thrown in.

   They're the people we've grown up with. They love us when we look like the Grinch in the morning, when we terrorize them with our singing, and when we're totally cool and awesome (of course, everybody usually loves you then).

   Sometimes family is hard to deal with. Sometimes parents act like two-year-olds. Sometimes siblings annoy the hair gel outta you. Even the family pet has its share of troubles.

   I was trying to think of something deep and insightful to share on families, but I got nothing. So I'm gonna tell you a bit about one of my family members and we'll go from there.

Dad

OK, so this picture is like two years old. Bear with me. Take note of Chloe's cute puppy days :)

   My dad is 43, his birthday is three days after mine, he is extremely dedicated to my love for softball (as in, he drives me to Philadelphia at 4am for a tournament because he loves me that much :), he leaves for work at 5am, gets home at 5pm, he's a fantastic cook, has generally put up with me refusing to do anything close to gutting a deer when we go hunting, he should've been a lawyer, or some sort of analyst for the FBI, we have crazy talks about the people walking down the street being serial killers (yea. we're so nice.), he had the weird notion to raise chickens ten years ago, and so far, it's worked out (there's nothing like having an unlimited supply of eggs in your fridge...), and he's just awesome.

   Obviously I love my dad. He's the one person I can poke fun at all day and he'll laugh along. Of course he has some faults - some days he has a short temper, but other days he'll put up with anything; he refuses to communicate with my mom and therefore must come to me with his marriage problems - there are some days I feel like a shrink; he is not a people person - and by that I mean that he almost started hyperventilating when we went to New York City at the sight of all the people... then again, it may have been the fact that we were almost out of gas and lost, driving around in 90 degree weather in New York City... who knows; my mom is more handy than him when it comes to fixing stuff; he can't mow the lawn without hitting a rock, which is why I am now solely in charge of that job now - I don't let him anywhere near the lawn mower; and he acts like a two-year-old sometimes.

   You put up with family even when they act stupid; you love family even when they eat all the pie and you didn't get any; you have family because God chooses to bless us with them because of His goodness.

   One last thing - if you're looking for some nice Christmas gifts for family members, I've found just a few things you might like:

GlobalGirlfriend has some AMAZING stuff. There's jewelry, totes, cosmetic bags, clothing, and more all made by women around the world. 1% of every purchase goes to help different causes, depending upon what you buy. I just bought a bracelet for my sister (shhh) made by women in Delhi and the proceeds go to Tara Projects which creates employment and educational opportunities for women and is a leader in the fight against child labor. And the prices are really reasonable on a lot of the products!

LunchSkins are reusable sandwich/snack bags. They have extremely cute prints and, I think, are a good idea for anyone! I bought a cute flower one for my sister (shhhh) and now she has something adorable to put her last minute breakfast into on Sunday mornings!

Rice Bags are another easy, slightly crafty, inexpensive gift to give! This tutorial is pretty simple, though it's a bit different from what I did. Please note that you can use different fabric, but it must be 100% natural (like cotton) otherwise, as discovered from past experience, it will catch on fire when microwaved. Also, you can add a few drops of essential oil into the rice before you put it in for a nice smelling rice bag :)

Cheers<3

Relationships

    Firstly, please note that I actually entitled this post with something actually related to what the post is about! It's not a song title. (At least not one that I know of :)

   I've been really thinking about relationships this past week or so. Not the mushy-gushy kinds (I'm too young to even want to think about all that stuff :P), no I'm talking about relationships with friends. Friendships.

   This past Sunday at the girls Bible study I've been involved in, our topic of discussion was "Relational Strength". In the book we are studying*, it asked questions like what makes a person a good friend, it suggested you write down what certain verses had to say about the power of words in relationships, and even asked what we had to do to be friends with God.

   But it really made me examine myself to see where I personally fell short in my relationships with others. Things like watching my tongue, what I say. I'm usually pretty good at thinking before I speak, but sometimes things slip out that, though thought through, really weren't great choices. Even words I hold back can be damaging. I saw that though we don't always want to, it may be necessary to truly hold friends accountable for their actions. This seemed like a touchy subject for me. I felt like I shouldn't say anything because what if I say the wrong thing, hurt someone, or maybe speak when I shouldn't have spoken at all. And there's definitely a fine line between completely bashing a person about what they do and lovingly telling them what needs to be said.

   I think in order to admonish a friend, you really need to examine your heart. And not just a quick glance. You really need to search deep and make sure what you're doing, you're doing for the right reasons and that you do it gently, but truthfully. You know the whole "take the plank out of your own eye before removing the speck from someone else's". This would apply here :)

   I feel that I fail a bit with this. I don't want to offend anyone, and I can sometimes not word things in the nicest way. I don't mean things in an un-nice way, but sometimes they just come out that way. But if I truly care about someone and their spiritual life, I should be willing to maybe put myself in a slightly awkward position, but encourage my friend towards an action she may not be taking, or discourage her from an action she is engaging in. And what you say they may at first reject in their heart, but I've heard many accounts of how a firm admonition, though bitter at first, eventually turned out for the best, and the person admonished was extremely glad their friend was willing to speak up.

   I also noticed that, personally, it's best that I not talk if something said has made me emotional. Certain subjects, or people's mindsets can really tick me off, and I'll say hurtful things that sound good at the time, but don't usually have good end results. And sometimes, saying nothing has saved me a whole lot of trouble.

   Anyway, all this talk about friendships really got me thinking about my own. I realized I need to reach out to people more. I tend to wait for them to come to me and it doesn't happen very often. And part of the reason I haven't felt that initiative until now is that I was struggling a lot spiritually. I was doing things for selfish reasons because I really felt so broken and useless I didn't believe I had anything going for me. Thankfully, God's taken me out of that mindset, taken my mind off myself, given me a new view of myself, and I am more focused on Him than I ever was. The lies I believed still whisper in the back of my mind every once in a while, but I don't give in to them like I did before. I truly believe I'm forgiven and loved :)

   ANYWAY, I've felt that I need to reach out more, create real relationships with people. I need to step out of my comfort zone and really care for people. Because it's not about me, it's about spreading God's love to everyone - believers, non-believers, guys, girls, old, young. Everyone. So I guess that's a new goal of mine - to be more... approachable. And approach others. :)

   I've also been thinking about the few "close" friendships I have. I'm really not the type of person who can tell someone everything about me. There are many things I've never told anyone, and I don't think I'll ever be able to completely be gut honest with anyone and pour my whole life story onto to them. At least not now. Maybe my future holds someone (besides God ;) that I'll be able to tell everything to, but who knows.

   I have one friend that I talk to about a lot of stuff. We talk about ourselves, our lives, spiritual stuff, physical stuff, emotional stuff - just about everything. Not really any deep dark secrets, but we talk about questions we have, how crazy our families are, some of our fears, plans for the future. Sometimes our talking never really accomplishes anything, but it's nice to know there's someone out there who understands some of what I say :P And we're honestly not very much alike. We struggle with different things, we have many differing opinions, our families are complete opposites, we have different styles of going about tasks, and lots more. But we're still good friends, and I pray that our friendship lasts for many more years.

   My other friend I've felt that I've just recently gotten close to. We've known each other for quite a few years, but a lot of different things have gotten us talking recently, and though we may not be super close, we're pretty good friends. I feel I can be totally honest with her. I don't have to sugarcoat things. I can tell it how it is. And she's the same way with me. She'll give me her honest opinion about something, but still be super nice about it. She's also got a wacky personality and the craziest laugh :P It's just nice to be open with someone about things.

   Okay, I have one last point. if you've read this far, I award you the Faithful Reader award. You're awesome :D

   Something else we discussed during our Bible study was having one close friend. In fact, it was agreed upon that one close friend was a billion times better than a hundred friends you don't really talk to. I've always struggled with this because jealousy can sometimes take hold of me. I'll feel a real kinship with one friend, but the I'll see her surrounded by tons of people who adore her, or see that she's close to someone else and I'll instantly feel hurt and jealous. Thank God that He's helped me through a lot of this, but I still struggle a bit. And I know that my relationship with that person will always be separate from her relationships with others. There will always be a bond between us that no one else has. We'll have shared secrets no one has heard. And even if they have, who cares? A friendship is precious, too precious to let petty things get in the way. I wasted a good four years of my life feeling inadequate, jealous, and hurt, when I really just needed to take my mind off myself and put it on God. Completely. I need to have tunnel vision, be completely focused on God and nothing else. Literally. That's not even an exaggeration. Nothing else in this life matters but Him, and if we put Him into every aspect of our lives, He'll bless it - our lives. And He'll bless our relationships if He's the main point.

Cheers♥

*The book we're studying is here :)