Today, April 9, 2015, I am nineteen years old, twenty weeks pregnant, and almost nine months into marriage. Writing it down like that makes the whole situation feel kind of weird. There are days I remember that if I wasn't doing the whole "family thing", I'd be nearing the end of my second year in college and probably tens of thousands of dollars in debt already. It's the whole money thing that usually reminds me that my choice wasn't necessarily the bad one. Seeing all of my high school friends either studying their butts off or trying to take care of a baby with a boyfriend makes me feel like I fall somewhere in the middle. I chose not to go to school, but I also chose to say 'yes' to my best friend, and I suppose inadvertently said yes to babies as well (though I wasn't expecting one quite so soon - but we're happy nonetheless!).
In the short amount of time that I've been a wife and now a mother, I don't honestly feel like much has changed. I still feel like the insecure teenager I was growing up, I'm just better at hiding it now behind a mature countenance and an outgoing husband. I still complain about having to do housework. I mean, dishes?? I'm thinking about giving up my Corelleware for disposable dinnerware... not really, but it's tempting. I still sleep in pajamas covered with my favorite characters (you think sexy sleepwear becomes a thing after you get married? Trust me, Hello Kitty trumps lace nightie any day). And Tad sometimes has to close the curtains for me because I'm too scared to go up to them and pull them shut. I can be a baby, yes.
My "immaturities" are sometimes all I can see. Every little thing from the way I dress to the way I talk with people can seem to be huge faults that make everyone else see nothing but a little girl playing 'house'. I struggle constantly with feeling inadequate because of numerous things I can think of throughout my day. But it's in those times that I've learned to look back on where I was a few months ago, a year ago, and see how God has subtly, yet greatly matured me in such a short amount of time.
I can see how much of my selfishness is being revealed and put to death. Sometimes it feels like it's just being revealed, and I wanna shout out "Thanks God, I'm a rotten person, I get it - wanna help me do something about it now??" But knowing how I treated my marriage during the first few months, and now how I view it and act on it as a selfless and giving part of my life makes it feel so much greater and purposeful now than at the beginning. It makes me wonder how much greater this marriage will seem in a few decades.
I've learned to accept the "everyday love" I feel for my husband and not expect those honeymoon butterflies to hold my marriage together. That is something Tad and I were warned about months before we said 'I do', and yet, I still thought something was wrong because I didn't feel so fluttery around him like I did at the beginning of our friendship. Our love feels a bit more ordinary now - I'm not being swept off my feet every moment we're together. Sometimes, I feel like I'm just chilling out with my best friend, goofing around and eating pizza and wings. I'm not required to feel lovey dovey around him just because we're married and I need to love him. Feelings are not the foundation of true love, and a lot of the time, they aren't even one of the products of it. It's that undying commitment to the good of your spouse, promising to pray for them and never leave their side, no matter how dark of a time it is. Sometimes it hurts to love someone like that, but the joy God blesses you with as you reflect His love for you is extraordinary, even in the ordinary moments.
Fighting isn't the end of our relationship. I can't say I ever really thought it was, but especially when we were dating, there were times I thought Tad was gonna dump me because I was just so impossible. Poor guy - I never did give him the benefit of the doubt, and he STILL asked me to marry him. What a man! In our disagreements, big and small, we've slowly started to develop a system in resolving the conflict. We don't always use that system, but on the good days it's put to use. I may get frustrated, hurt, embarrassed, flustered, or just plain confused, but I know in either a minute or a few hours, we'll come together, hug it out, talk it out if need be, and fall asleep in each other's arms, because we're a team, and even in our arguments, we're on the same side.
The foundation your relationship stands on will be revealed eventually. I pray it's a solid one, full of Christ and love. If it isn't, you can always lay down a new foundation and start building up your marriage again. It's a lifetime project that will always have renovations happening, maybe even with some new additions put on (someone's jabbing my bladder in agreement). Just don't give up on it and never stop praying for it.
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