Little something funny happened today. I guess more amusing than funny. Liv (my five-year-old sister) found a tiny ladybug and it's now officially her pet. It was crawling on her hand and everything. Then she'd tell it "sit" and it would stop moving. She said that it needed to take a nap and told the ladybug to stop, and she starting scolding it saying, "No, ladybug! You need to go to bed. Go to sleep right now!" Poor ladybug. She got a little bed for it (a piece of a paper towel) and as I left for my game this afternoon, she said that she had put her ladybug in her dresser drawer. Hopefully the poor thing survived.
Had a game today against Pittston and won 4-2. Should've slaughtered them :\
Then I went to CLEAR (my youth group) and talked with an extremely intelligent eight-year-old. Smartest person I know. As she was talking about her memory and how it's pretty good she says, "But I don't like to brag about myself. I think it's wrong. Don't you think bragging about yourself feels bad?" And I said yes, I did. But really I started to think about it, and I felt the opposite. I like having that feeling like I've done something awesome and I'm superior and what-not. Why do I have that desire? Why do we, as humans, have that desire? I don't want to go around talking about myself, but I do. I don't want to seem self-centered, but I do. I try to talk about other people, but somehow I always turn the conversation back to myself. Why? At the core of human desires is selfishness. I'd love to have everything I do be completely selfless and just be used to glorify God, but very, very rarely do I ever do anything without a hint of selfishness involved. And I hate it. Why, why, why? That's all I can ask. Sometimes I think all we can do is ask God for grace to give you a selfless attitude. But then after that, I feel like I just want a selfless attitude so people will look at me and say "Look at how giving and selfless she is! What a sweet girl!" Even as I'm writing this, I have a desire for this post to be noticed, to be seen. All so that I'm glorified. Why, why, why? Sometimes I believe I would've been better off being an ant than a human. We are so corrupt in our desires. But somewhere inside, we're all crying out for Someone to save us. Someone to hear us, make us feel whole. I am so blessed that He heard my call and has saved me, but it's still extremely frustrating to struggle with my humanity and sinful nature every day. I want to be filled with selflessness, for a selfless cause, so people won't see me, but Him. Some days I just want to give up. Go and crawl up in a hole, and live by myself. I wouldn't have to worry about impressing people then. But for His sake, I'll keep going, keep trying to become more like Him. Maybe with His help every day I'll lose a little of myself in a lot of Him. So be encouraged if you ever feel like this. You're most definitely not alone. He's gracious, willing to forgive, and even more willing to help if you ask. So I'll continue to cry out until I have to voice left to speak, I'll continue to weep at His feet until my tears run dry, and I'll continue to breathe until there is no breath left in my body. And maybe, after all my words have been spoken, after all my tears have been wept, all the breath has left my body, and when every piece of my life has been given completely to Him, maybe then I might be filled so full of Him that it's impossible to even think of myself. I'll be so overflowing with Him, I'll be gone and all you'll able to see is Him, enveloping every inch of me. And maybe then, someone will see Him through me, and will find the answers to their "whys."
Cheers.
P.S. Here's a pic of Liv with her ladybug friend :]
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